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Best Comebacks This Year

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.

My friend: Your dick is probably like a tic tac.
Me: No wonder your moms mouth is so fresh.
Class: OOOOHHHHHH!!!

"Haha, you failed!"
"Yeah, so did your dad's condom."

Twinkle Twinkle little slut
Name a guy you haven't f*cked
Was he skinny, was he tall
Nevermind you did them all
Twinkle Twinkle little b*tch
Close your legs it smells like fish

Tough guy: I can't believe your still a Virgin! HAHAHAHA
Other Guy: I was a Virgin until last night
Tough guy: As if!
Other guy: Yeah man just ask your sister
Tough Guy: I don't have a sister???
Other Guy: You will in about 9 months

* nerds phone rings in class *
Cool Guy - awww, was that your mommy?
* whole class laughs *
Nerd Guy - nope, it was yours.
* whole class is silent *

Teacher- Did you do your homework?
Student - Did you grade my test?
Teacher - I have other students' tests to grade.
Student - I have other teachers' homework to do.
#LIKE A BOSS

Me: Mum i got a detention today
Mum: Why!
Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot".
Mum: Yeah so
Me: I asked what end.

Girl: *stares at me for 30 sec*
Me: "What you looking at?"
Girl: " Idk, something ugly!"
Me: " BITCH, I ain't no mirror!"

Mom: Go clean your room!
Me: But its MY room.
Mom: And this is MY house.
Me: Then you go clean it.

Bully - "Hey fat ass. Why you so fat?"
Fat kid - "Because every time I f*ck ya mother she give me a cookie."

Boy texted his dad saying
Boy:I got expelled
Dad: WHAT WHY
Boy: cos we had this lesson about bulling and the teacher said sticks and stones may break my bone but words will never hurt me
Dad: and
Boy: so I threw a book at her face and it broke her nose
Dad : lol that's my boy

Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework?!
Me: it committed suicide, had too many problems.

Them: Bitch.
You: call me a b*tch again i dare you.
Them: Bitch
You: That's right b*tches do what their told.

Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson?
Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?

Teacher: Why are you here so early?
Student: Because my mom told me to go to Hell...

Roses are red. Violets are blue. God made us beautiful. What the f*ck happened to you?

Guy: FAIL!!
Me: no one asked you for your life story.

I hate it when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep." Bitch you need to hibernate.

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.
Police: Yay

Say addicted after everything I say.
drugs.
"addicted"
alcohol.
"addicted"
What hit you in the face last night?
"A dick did"
hahahaha
"f**k you"

If the red man lives in the red house and
If the orange man lives in the orange house.
Who lives in the White House?
Obama
Kickass if you get it

Me: "Dude, I got my first kiss!"
Friend: "Your mom doesnt count."
me: "Ya, but yours does."

Teacher: Why did you not study?
Student: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that is way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year, hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days, you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days... You're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: I'm late?
Teacher: You missed an entire period.
Student: Are you telling me I'm pregnant?

Parents: "You need to stop watching TV, and read more!"
Me: *turns on subtitles*

Student: "would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "of course not."
Student: "good cause, I didn't do my homework..."

Guy: Your d*ck is the size of a tic-tac
*Class goes oooohhhhhh!*
Nerd: Thts y your mom's mouth is so fresh

I hate smart ass teachers.
Me: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: BITCH, I WILL SHIT ON YOUR DESK.

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